why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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