Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize