we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
