weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
