i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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