that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
