Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
