I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
