she looked like the before picture.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
