my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
