If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
