tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
