Can i not drive my cunt home
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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