i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
