Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
