I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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