In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm like, not good at living.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am mentally ready for anal.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
