you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
