the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
