she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
