im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize