I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
