No more Irish car bombs ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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