I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
