I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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