my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
