Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
