is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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