Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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