Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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