So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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