You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
