I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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