I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
