friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
