I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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