you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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