he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
