i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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