between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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