Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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