after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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