Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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