Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
