I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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