you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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