I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
