I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
