lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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