PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
