he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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