It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
