there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
