I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
