My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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