Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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