U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
