Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dicks are not precious.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
