I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
