I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
