I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
soo... how was my night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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